Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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