I molested 6 butterflies tonight
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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