im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Randomize
