he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
