the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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