So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
