yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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