I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Randomize
