Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
