can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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