I'm pants shitting drunk right now
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
