I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
