i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
