remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
