i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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