How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just pee around me
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
