I just cut my nipple shaving
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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