suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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