Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
