Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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