new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
