I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
