Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
