Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
