i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
