she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
