using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
