dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
