Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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