so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
