Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
