I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
