Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
he high fived his dick after we had sex
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
