Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
