I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
