she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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