So drunk, too bad you don't want this
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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