No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
