i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
