both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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