i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
