Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
