in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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