you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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