No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
