Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
