my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
