i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
