im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
