I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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