I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
