if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
