just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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