I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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